the worst horse

Watashi-wa often thinks of the image of racehorses which Shunryu Suzuki uses, in 'Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind', to describe the marrow, or essence, of Zen. Suzuki writes:

'…it is said that there are four kinds of horses: excellent ones, good ones, poor ones, and bad ones. The best horse will run slow and fast, right and left, at the driver’s will, before it sees the shadow of the whip; the second best will run as well as the first one does, just before the whip reaches its skin; the third one will run when it feels pain on its body; the fourth will run after the pain penetrates to the marrow of its bones.

When you are determined to practice zazen with the great mind of Buddha, you will find the worst horse is the most valuable one. In your very imperfections you will find the basis for your firm, way-seeking mind. Those who can sit perfectly physically usually take more time to obtain the true way of Zen, the actual feeling of Zen, the marrow of Zen. But those who find great difficulties in practicing Zen will find more meaning in it. So I think that sometimes the best horse may be the worst horse, and the worst horse can be the best one.'

There is something very comforting in this. The harder something is for you, the more meaningful it is, and hence also the more valuable. 

Many things are hard for Watashi-wa: yoga, getting up early, sitting zazen, painting, not being grumpy around my parents... None of these come naturally. But because they are so difficult, I realise that they are also very important for me, and I am more motivated to keep trying. The harder something is, the more meaningful it is. That really is something to be grateful for. 

On a more exalted level, this also applies to the Bodhisattva vows ('Beings are numberless; I vow to save them') and to the commitment to theosis/ θέωση (union with the divine/ becoming a god by grace). Is it even possible? Is it possible for Watashi-wa? I don't know - the difficulty is immense - but it doesn't really matter; there is fullness of meaning in committing to it.